Today

Today my heart is broken.  I woke this morning from a wonderful dream about my grandson Asa.  He was crawling and smiling and giggling that little boyish baby giggle.  The kind that can melt the polar caps right to a puddle!  He was amazing, is amazing I am sure.  But I don't know.  I haven't seen him since the day of his birth.  I tried, but nothing.  I remember holding him at the hospital room, wanting so desperately to let go and love him beyond the universe.  I kept telling my self to keep it close to my chest not to let go.  I knew.  I knew that would probably be the last or at least one of the few times I would be allowed in his life.  I had to distance myself from him.  Distance myself to protect myself from being crushed, once again.  I was right.  He is over a month old now and I haven't seen him since that morning.  I am not going to get into the why's, truth be told I don't know why.  I don't know what is grueling around in his father's head.  I cannot wrap my head around it.  There aren't many who do understand his behavior. well that isn't necessarily true.  We (his family) do know why he is the way he is, even if it doesn't make sense to any of us. I am frankly tired of trying to find out.  I am exhausted. I cannot fix something if I don't know what is broken.  I am sure to himself  (and those in his inner circle) he has convinced himself of some distorted truth of it all that he is right in his behavior toward his mother.  Maybe he is too far into it to truly remember.  But the bottom line is he wont accept the olive branch I have so repeatedly given.  Someday when he is ready I will be waiting.  I have for my children unconditional love, true unconditional love. It never falters or waivers, it is constant and true.  Unfortunately my oldest son never grasped the concept.  Maybe someday he will but the reality of it that all is that maybe he wont.  But I will love him just the same and as deeply as I ever did.  For now I fade to the memories of his youth those I keep in my heart. I only have for him the love of his mother, the one person on this earth that has always truly loved him unconditionally.  Hoping that when he stands in judgement he has a pretty good reason to give.

But today my heart is broken for Asa and me.....for all that we will miss out with each other....and for that my heart aches and is broken...

I love you eternally son....... and I always will... no matter what

-love bye