Well this has been an interesting weekend. I love weekends as you all know. This weekend was out of sorts as Thursday last I was in the shower washing my hair -I turned around to rinse- and BAM I heard it pop--my knee-yes I have arthritis and it inflames once a year. Well it went again. and the pain is like well let me see if I can describe it- its a sharp then dull then sharp then dull never ending pain and ache-- then I know it is about to be over when in a few days the pain moves down my leg until its in all the joints of my toes!! That is where I am at today!!.. who knew toes could hurt so badly! I DO that's who!! I had to miss work and spend two days not moving. Do you realize how difficult that is? Well it is. Sounds like fun to just have some R&R but when the pain is there NO WAY. But then such is life... others have it worse off than I. I thought I would share my weekend. It's nice to be actually able to sit and walk. WOW life is good.
-Love bye
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
getting to know you
When you are pregnant you always think of your children as babies, never teenagers, or grown. Why is that? You think of them as little babies or toddlers.... is this because we cannot in our minds imagine that we could have people near our age. As mothers we know our children's likes and dislikes. From everything to favorite food to favorite color to favorite stuffed animal. As they grow we stay close to them, but sometimes forget that as we grow our tastes and likes and dislikes change. I know mine do. So why not theirs?
The other day I was making a sandwich for my baby Harold (who is no longer even a child he is full fledged teenager). I asked him he wanted ham or chicken (I already knew he wanted cheese after all I have been making his sandwich the same way everyday for 12 years). He relied "Ham please and some mayo too". I stopped, crinkled my brow and said in a matter of fact tone " You hate anything on your sandwich. It has always been meat- cheese and bread only". To which he replied "I know mommy ,but I like mayo now". How did this happen and I not notice? When did this little boy grow up?
This made begin to think that what I thought I knew about my "babies" is not really what I know of them as teenagers. and adults. In my mind they are still little, they are still my babies, my toddlers..... my children.
I thought how well do I know their likes and dislikes today as I did long ago. How did my data base neglect to get updated. Has their favorite dessert changed I wondered? Have their favorite colors changed? I was no longer sure.
So I decided to set out to reacquaint my self with my children. Get to know the "little" things about them. I know all the other things about them, but their little things are changing. After all it is the little things that make us who we are.
So this is my goal and project for the weekend. Getting to know all my children again! How fun! How lucky!
-Love bye
The other day I was making a sandwich for my baby Harold (who is no longer even a child he is full fledged teenager). I asked him he wanted ham or chicken (I already knew he wanted cheese after all I have been making his sandwich the same way everyday for 12 years). He relied "Ham please and some mayo too". I stopped, crinkled my brow and said in a matter of fact tone " You hate anything on your sandwich. It has always been meat- cheese and bread only". To which he replied "I know mommy ,but I like mayo now". How did this happen and I not notice? When did this little boy grow up?
This made begin to think that what I thought I knew about my "babies" is not really what I know of them as teenagers. and adults. In my mind they are still little, they are still my babies, my toddlers..... my children.
I thought how well do I know their likes and dislikes today as I did long ago. How did my data base neglect to get updated. Has their favorite dessert changed I wondered? Have their favorite colors changed? I was no longer sure.
So I decided to set out to reacquaint my self with my children. Get to know the "little" things about them. I know all the other things about them, but their little things are changing. After all it is the little things that make us who we are.
So this is my goal and project for the weekend. Getting to know all my children again! How fun! How lucky!
-Love bye
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Into A Thousand Million Pieces
Have you ever seen the glass of a car window shatter into a thousand million pieces? How at first it splinters and fans out into a thousand million tiny specks of glass all pieced together like a jig saw puzzle. Then one gentle tap and all the pieces shatter into a thousand million pieces... what an amazing sight....
have you ever had your heart broken like that window... that shatter into a thousand million pieces....and you wonder how is it physically possible that you could hurt in places you didn't even know existed? You wonder to yourself how could one person break your heart so intensely that you might never recover? How is it possible? How is it possible that you can actually feel your heart breaking into a thousand million pieces? How?
How is it that someone can have so much power over your heart... who knew that a muscle like the heart could ache with such pain that you wished you could die....
A broken heart doesn't always come from the love that is lost between a man and woman.... broken hearts can cut deeper than that... a child can break your heart deeper than any pain from a lover....
shatter your heart ten thousand million times more......
-Love bye
have you ever had your heart broken like that window... that shatter into a thousand million pieces....and you wonder how is it physically possible that you could hurt in places you didn't even know existed? You wonder to yourself how could one person break your heart so intensely that you might never recover? How is it possible? How is it possible that you can actually feel your heart breaking into a thousand million pieces? How?
How is it that someone can have so much power over your heart... who knew that a muscle like the heart could ache with such pain that you wished you could die....
A broken heart doesn't always come from the love that is lost between a man and woman.... broken hearts can cut deeper than that... a child can break your heart deeper than any pain from a lover....
shatter your heart ten thousand million times more......
-Love bye
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Weekends
There is something to be said for the weekends----time to accomplish all the things you can't during the working week---OR NOT -------------------------------------This weekend I CHOOSE NOT!!!!!!
There is a certain kind of therapy that one receives by wearing your pajamas all weekend... or for most of the weekend anyway can say the least be well liberating! I did this very thing at weekend. I woke at 5.45am and laid in bed thinking of what I really had to do, what I really wanted to do and what I was going to do. I debated with myself until around 6.00 am ---at which time I got up---- took a shower ----- got dressed,---- did not put any makeup on, put my hair in a very short pony tail and headed out the door-and did not even turn my phone on nor did I take it with me!
I went garage saling and had a blast!!!!! I was done by 7.45am! I spent $20.00 and bought so many amazing things that I wanted.--I didn't said NEEDED--I said wanted---- Now that is what I call guilt free spending! HHMM 7.45am now what to do with the rest of my day?
AHHHH--SCRAPBOOK!!!!! SCRAPBOOK!!!!!!SCRAPBOOK!!!!!!----YES SCRAPBOOK!!!!!!
So, I came home- took another shower because yes this is Arkansas and YES at 6.00 am it is HOTTER than a three pecker billy goat--- (OK what does that mean anyway?- my baby daddy use to say that all the time in reference to the heat-- and why I would quote him in the first place is beyond me but today that seemed to be appropriate--go figure--) ---ANYWAY I got into some clean Jammie's-OK really my Scotland t-shirt and Jammie bottoms--set up my table and began to scrap--- and I did until about 12.30am Sunday morning--went to bed --woke up about 9.30am and scrapped some more--- beautiful pages for my sweet Everett James--some for Kirtlynn Ivy and a couple for Kirtlynn Ivy's momma and Daddy --- 27 pages in all-- WOWOWOWO my creative mind exploded-----
About 1.00pm got dressed went to my girlfriend Kathy's house we went to lunch (Le Huerta's!!!)--went back to her house watched TV talked and laughed and b*&*^$# about the injustices of dealing with certain people----laughed more--and than laughed again---
I am sorry to see this weekend leave me-- thank you sweet weekend for being my friend--thank you sweet weekend for being my doctor and prescribing just what I needed--thank you sweet weekend for not betraying me----
-Love bye
There is a certain kind of therapy that one receives by wearing your pajamas all weekend... or for most of the weekend anyway can say the least be well liberating! I did this very thing at weekend. I woke at 5.45am and laid in bed thinking of what I really had to do, what I really wanted to do and what I was going to do. I debated with myself until around 6.00 am ---at which time I got up---- took a shower ----- got dressed,---- did not put any makeup on, put my hair in a very short pony tail and headed out the door-and did not even turn my phone on nor did I take it with me!
I went garage saling and had a blast!!!!! I was done by 7.45am! I spent $20.00 and bought so many amazing things that I wanted.--I didn't said NEEDED--I said wanted---- Now that is what I call guilt free spending! HHMM 7.45am now what to do with the rest of my day?
AHHHH--SCRAPBOOK!!!!! SCRAPBOOK!!!!!!SCRAPBOOK!!!!!!----YES SCRAPBOOK!!!!!!
So, I came home- took another shower because yes this is Arkansas and YES at 6.00 am it is HOTTER than a three pecker billy goat--- (OK what does that mean anyway?- my baby daddy use to say that all the time in reference to the heat-- and why I would quote him in the first place is beyond me but today that seemed to be appropriate--go figure--) ---ANYWAY I got into some clean Jammie's-OK really my Scotland t-shirt and Jammie bottoms--set up my table and began to scrap--- and I did until about 12.30am Sunday morning--went to bed --woke up about 9.30am and scrapped some more--- beautiful pages for my sweet Everett James--some for Kirtlynn Ivy and a couple for Kirtlynn Ivy's momma and Daddy --- 27 pages in all-- WOWOWOWO my creative mind exploded-----
About 1.00pm got dressed went to my girlfriend Kathy's house we went to lunch (Le Huerta's!!!)--went back to her house watched TV talked and laughed and b*&*^$# about the injustices of dealing with certain people----laughed more--and than laughed again---
I am sorry to see this weekend leave me-- thank you sweet weekend for being my friend--thank you sweet weekend for being my doctor and prescribing just what I needed--thank you sweet weekend for not betraying me----
-Love bye
Friday, June 11, 2010
A message from Katherine
This morning I woke to a beautiful text from my angel Katherine Elizabeth... as a mother the words and thoughts your children have for you are so important and carrying such importance and weight... they are the one souls on earth that can lift you up or break your heart into a thousand million pieces....
This message made my day begin with such joy and heartfelt love and warmth....
text reads:
"Mom, you're such an illuminated light in life. You've lighted the way thru my darkest times. Like the ship to the lighthouse I'm forever drawn safely to shore following my mother's light. Thank you for all you do. love Katherine."-
What a lovely way to wake to begin any day....... I am blessed by her ever loving soul.... blessed she chose me to be her mother..blessed to know that she will always be there for me.. and wants me apart of her life constantly... thank you Katherine mommy loves you..
-Love bye
This message made my day begin with such joy and heartfelt love and warmth....
text reads:
"Mom, you're such an illuminated light in life. You've lighted the way thru my darkest times. Like the ship to the lighthouse I'm forever drawn safely to shore following my mother's light. Thank you for all you do. love Katherine."-
What a lovely way to wake to begin any day....... I am blessed by her ever loving soul.... blessed she chose me to be her mother..blessed to know that she will always be there for me.. and wants me apart of her life constantly... thank you Katherine mommy loves you..
-Love bye
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Closure
Closure-
Is there really ever closure-I mean do you really ever obtain the state of true closure? One of my oldest and dearest friends called me today talking about closure and how do you ever really achieve closure. The torment-the never ending torment-the just not knowing the why torment---the fact that your pain can go on and on and on and on and on for years torment.
Always escaping you is the one thing that could come to you if you only were able to know why: FREEDOM
non closure like unrequited love is the killer of ones soul-- down to its very core--
There are some really amazingly great quotes about this very subject in one of my favorite movies called The Holiday starring Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz-
I have quoted Kate Winslet's character Iris before in one of my blogs.
The opening lines of the movie go:
"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind".
Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.
And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert.
Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other.
But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!
Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and Valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms."
I know this pain... the pain of unrequited love
dialog Iris to Jasper:
You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living.
But this is my absolute favorite line Iris says
dialog Iris to Miles:
"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. "
I'll leave you this thought from an Irish band called Script "When a heart breaks no it don't break even".
-Love bye
Is there really ever closure-I mean do you really ever obtain the state of true closure? One of my oldest and dearest friends called me today talking about closure and how do you ever really achieve closure. The torment-the never ending torment-the just not knowing the why torment---the fact that your pain can go on and on and on and on and on for years torment.
Always escaping you is the one thing that could come to you if you only were able to know why: FREEDOM
non closure like unrequited love is the killer of ones soul-- down to its very core--
There are some really amazingly great quotes about this very subject in one of my favorite movies called The Holiday starring Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz-
I have quoted Kate Winslet's character Iris before in one of my blogs.
The opening lines of the movie go:
"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind".
Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.
And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert.
Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other.
But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!
Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and Valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms."
I know this pain... the pain of unrequited love
You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living.
But this is my absolute favorite line Iris says
dialog Iris to Miles:
"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. "
I'll leave you this thought from an Irish band called Script "When a heart breaks no it don't break even".
-Love bye
Just so you know
Just so you know-
You are amazing to me
Just so you know-
I love you beyond measure................................................................................
Just so you know-
You are my happy thought
Just so you know-
I am proud of you
Just so you know-
You have the power to break my heart
Just so you-
You are truly gorgeous-inside and out.....................................................
Just so you know-
You can be anything your heart desires
Just so you know-
You are strong and wise
Just so you know-
You make me laugh-until it takes away my breathe.............................................
Just so you-
I cannot imagine my world one second without you in it
Just so you know-
I love to watch you sleep-and have since you were a baby.................................
Just so you know-
You are my friend-my best friend
Just so you know-
No one will ever love you as much as me............................................................
Just so you know-
I will be here when ever your heart is broken
Just so you know-
Angela your momma loves you more than you will ever realise...........................
-Love bye
You are amazing to me
Just so you know-
I love you beyond measure................................................................................
You are my happy thought
Just so you know-
I am proud of you
Just so you know-
You have the power to break my heart
Just so you-
You are truly gorgeous-inside and out.....................................................
You can be anything your heart desires
Just so you know-
You are strong and wise
Just so you know-
You make me laugh-until it takes away my breathe.............................................
I cannot imagine my world one second without you in it
Just so you know-
I love to watch you sleep-and have since you were a baby.................................
You are my friend-my best friend
Just so you know-
No one will ever love you as much as me............................................................
Just so you know-
I will be here when ever your heart is broken
Just so you know-
Angela your momma loves you more than you will ever realise...........................
-Love bye
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